I’m so lost in him I don’t know what to do next.
waves crashing in my stomach, chills cascading.
I’m shaking in a thunderstorm like leaves on a tree,
this painful wave across my body pervading.
Saline building up in my tear ducts, pain
like this chokes me like a noose, cuts
off air circulation, it is the peak and bane
of my pitiful existence. my emotional truss
isn’t so sturdy and the framework is unstable
as ****, I’m sick to my stomach, I feel like
I could vomit, the lesson I’ll learn from this fable
will be to dam my feelings like a dyke.
Rocky waters are slowly drowning me, lost
at sea, not even the coast guard could find me.
I’ll just be floating here waiting for my heart to defrost,
I can’t help but wonder how long I’ll be lost at sea.
his name is Ashleigh,
but he feels his skin
ripping at the seams,
pronouns slipping rashly.
he feels like nobody
understands, God gave
him the wrong body parts.
inside, AJ feels so lonely.
nobody knows how to handle it.
tripping over pronouns
myself at a daycare event,
nothing seems to fit.
he tells me about the video
games he likes to play,
the super villain he wants
his face paint to display.
it troubles me to see someone
so sure but so lost externally,
it hits me hard and holds,
if only I could peek at him internally.
all of these questions
swirling in my head,
my insatiable curiosity thinking
if only his thoughts could be read.
All of this rage building up inside of me,
I don’t know where to put the pain.
It’s chaining me down and I want to be free,
everything burns like acid rain.
I’m a bent and rusted fence post,
you’re an unbroken arrow,
forever shooting straight, ghost
of feelings in my throat, sparrow
on the verge of taking flight,
spreading your wings for destiny.
I’m drowning in my own spite,
I was so sure that we had chemistry.
My chest cavity is caving in like
the eroding ruins, you’re my
Parthenon, burn me like the Third Reich,
albeit you are the healthiest sort of high.
I hate my life,
I’m sick of
I’m so sick of this feeling in my chest,
you’re beyond perfect, jealousy
hits hard and I’m a mess.
you’re my kryptonite, I confess.
I don’t even want anyone but you,
I can’t bring myself to let go,
I don’t want to find someone new.
I’m sick of being sad and reckless
I’m the best me when I’m with you
I don’t know what else to do.
I’m so utterly wrapped up in you.
but you’re too busy wanting her.
I want more than anything to be enough,
to garnish your affections, to captivate
your beautiful synapses, to be
a girl that holds your attention.
I want to feel reality pulsing,
the world slightly slowing,
feelings blissfully eroding,
it’s almost like happiness snowing,
pressure in my cranium growing,
pleasure receptors exploding,
according to you I’m acclimating
to a constant elevating,
that uplifting feeling, needing
to experience that which is captivating.
I want to roll the dice, take a chance,
I want to leap into the grasp of gravity,
elasticity pulling me to perceived safety,
adrenaline, can I have this dance?
I want to travel endlessly, trek to France,
make the trip limitless, a spiral into depravity,
feeling my heart reverberating in my chest cavity,
air waves rippling, my body traversing a vast expanse.
Nothing is ever shown in actuality at first glance,
imitations plague the landscape, my thoracic cavity
is plagued by breathlessness, taking the world bravely,
working odd end jobs in order to finance
this idea of being on edge that has me in a trance,
I don’t want my grand tasks to be dainty,
I want to dance the line between creative and crazy,
set sail on endless conquests, accompany me perchance?
Great triangular pyramids, stacking to the sky,
burnt desert diagonal to a deep blue back drop,
sand full of ancient history, landscape bone dry,
rays of radioactivity beaming down nonstop.
I want to live large, like Mark Antony and Cleopatra,
asp bitten, chancing my demise for intimacy,
never stop adventuring shall be my mantra,
trying my best to tempt your celibacy.
I want to engulf the girth of the Nile, swim through
hieroglyphics, dance across pages scattered
with legends, everything drenched in a burnt sienna hue,
inscriptions about the great Egyptian goddess Isis covered
the cavernous tomb walls, flood enveloping the great serpent,
tears spilled mourning the loss of her precious Osiris,
a mother’s womb drenched in an amplitude of amorous ardent,
the great power of the gods forcing me to forsake my hubris.
Lush foreign landscape leaching inquisition from the human race,
leaching the bones left behind by their exploration of this place,
sunlight filtering through the canopy, a land so far from tame,
a terrain that is most certainly not for the weak of heart to claim.
Beautiful branch-work building up an entirely new reality,
chaotic characteristics laced into complicated tranquility,
vibrant colors assaulting my optic nerve, never ending
Anaconda of an Amazon river, treacherous with its bending.
crystal lattice criss crossing
a regular repeating reality
rattling off numbers relatively
pointing to all of the
locations I’d much rather be.
exploration is the theme of the game
uncharted will be my middle name
blast off to foreign landscapes
testing the waters for countless escapades
we can forget our own morality
sweet, sweet melancholy.
I’ve always envied the way you’re fearless,
you’re never afraid to be yourself.
Anti-status quo, you’re rarely cheerless,
and when you are I wanna make you tearless.
Long golden locks, strands of sunshine.
You’re porcelain ivory, pallor glow.
You’re even sweeter than a clementine,
when it comes to originality you’re a gold mine.
If you’re ever feeling down, night or day,
don’t hesitate to come to me.
I’m only ever a message away.
I’d do anything to brighten your skies if they’re grey.
You’re beautiful and I know how hard that can be
to see, but you’re a diamond in the rough.
You just have to find someone up for a treasure hunt, lovely.
And if you ever need anyone—you’ve got me.
you excite my electrons,
illuminate my fallacies,
enrich me with endless verity,
I’m trying to collaborate clarity.
got lost somewhere along the way,
caught up in useless strifes,
precariously depleting my potential,
your candor qualities are influential.
you make me want to reach the stars,
fingers outstretched, Orion slipping
from my grasp, but I can get it back
I momentarily lost track
jovial arrogance flavoring your tone,
chock full of pride I’ve never known,
so sure of yourself, I envy
the crisp confidence in
your cadence, mercy.
I’m enamored by you, I feel
like we could be absolutely stellar
our bond is of the ionic variety
you make me want to cast away my filial piety.
I’m just so lost in lunacy, this litany of excuses for lagging in limbo